Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
Birth and death are the only certain things in our beautiful and brutal world and the best we can do is make the distance between things unforgettable.
In the words of cancer author and cultural critic Hunter S. rather than slipping into a rising in a cloud of smoke, utterly exhausted, utterly worn out, and loudly declaring “Wow! What a ride!”
To celebrate this fun journey and in connection with our inevitable mass demise, we bring you a list of possible causes of death for each sign in the zodiac.
This guide is intended as sarcastic and is intended for entertainment purposes only.
Read and live long.
This fire sign dies by swinging a baseball bat so hard it rips out their internal organs à la Aries Slugger Jim Creighton, who hit a home run that sent him straight into the dirt. This sign is hard pressed to ignore the dare or miss the bet as was the case with would-be ram Sergey Tuganov who suffered a fatal heart attack after betting a 4K friend he could have sex for twelve straight hours. The nail in his coffin was a combination of his sexual heart disease and the result of consuming an entire bottle of Viagra.
Taurus is the kind of sign that accidentally chokes on a bag of chips or dies from bed. Gluttony is this herd’s favorite sin, a fact exemplified by the royal bull, galloping champagne, and adoring pancakes. King of Sweden Adolf Frederick who legitimately ate himself to death at Mardi Gras in 1771.
Gemini is easily distracted and completely distracted, dying while multitasking; They try texting their ex, changing the radio station, curling their eyelashes, and squishing Adderall all while running a car.
Often in their feelings and unable to articulate the scope of their desperation, Cancers are killed by the crushing weight of accumulated emotional baggage, unpaid parking tickets, tattered stuffed animals, sweater collecting, and a mountain of unmet expectations.
Leo is the type to fall to his death while trying to take a nude photo on the balcony. Rulers of the Fifth Fun House, there is every chance that they will dance themselves in the grave just as the people of Strasbourg did in the year of Sedna 1518. In what may be the most Leonine fatality of all, Jamaican activist Leo Marcus Garvey died of a stroke after his inaccurate and prematurely published obituary was read.
Always let down by their fellow men and caught between wanting to help and wanting to back off, Virgos eventually die of boredom, fall from a tree, or choke to death on herbal supplements and/or their own bitter disappointments.
A true godsend of mischievous flirtation, notorious f**k bois and frivolity, Libras are murdered by their lover’s jealous wife/husband, untreated syphilis or complications from botched plastic surgery. It is ruled by Venus, the planet of love and luxury, and it tracks Libra George PlantagenetWhen given the opportunity to choose his method of execution, he poetically chose to drown himself in a barrel of Malmsee wine. Big ups to the GP for being the rare kind of scale that can make a decision.
This is a trick question because Scorpios never truly die but instead live on the grudges they hold, the insults they hurl and the insults they bear. Powerful players, practitioners of witchcraft, and rulers of the eighth house of sex, death, and other people’s money, this is the sign most likely to fake their death and/or get away with murder.
Ever trying to have a good time all the time and never wanting the party to end or the music to stop, Sagittarius gets killed by a faulty champagne stopper, dies laughing at himself or suffocates in a partially deflated bouncy house.
Hardworking, punishing, and interested in gains, capital, and more, Capricorn is either crushed to death by a downed barbell, dies while masturbating on a bed covered in money, killed by the dominatrix they tried to convert, or murdered by a disaffected mob. Workers.
Since Aquarius is more eccentric than human, it takes a lot more brain than heart to kill one. Consider Aquarius Gary Hoy, who died, typical of a fixed reference, while trying to prove a point or the evil water-bearer/wizard Grigor Rasputin who was poisoned, shot in the head, repeatedly clubbed and castrated before eventually drowning in a frozen river. Pickled d**k is now the stuff of popular legend, revered for its ability to miraculously cure blindness and predict accurately.
Highly sensitive, fascinated by escapism and oscillating wildly between sheer sympathy and sheer nihilism, Pisces, who live on little more than sea water and ether, die of boredom or drown in a bathtub.
Astrology 101: Your Guide to the Stars
Astrologer Reza Weigel Research and unexpected reports again about planetary configurations and their impact on each zodiac sign. Its horoscopes fuse history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has described a wide variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively recounting her experiences while traveling. Among the many interesting topics she tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love of dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girl guide” to strip clubs, and the “most exotic” foods available abroad.
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